The Gingerbread Man
by Miryuu
Summary: A parody of the original children's classic, The Gingerbread Man... Cloud, as the unfortunate gingerbread creation of Hojo's and Sephiroth's desire to build an army of clones
1. Part 1: Gingerbread

Okay, my first humour fic, which I thought would be funny, But in the end just turned out lame.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: FF7 and its characters do not belong to me they belong to Square, and neither does the story of the gingerbread man.  
  
The Gingerbread Man  
  
*Rufus scowling at his desk, with a bunch of papers in front of him*  
  
Rufus: I have NO idea whose idea it is to make me read a children's story, but just because the pay is good, I'll do it.  
  
Cameraman: Okay, it's rolling.  
  
Rufus: *ahem* Once upon a time, there lived a happy couple in a tiny cottage...  
  
*Scene switches to Sephiroth, in a cottage, dressed in a pink frilly apron, kneading dough. Sephiroth hears narration, throws down dough and whips off apron.*  
  
Sephiroth: THAT'S it! How many times must I say, we're NOT a happy couple, it's MOTHER and ME, and this is the Shinra mansion!  
  
Rufus: *struts into view of camera, flicks hair* Hey, I'm only reading from the bleeding script.  
  
Hojo: *comes into mansion* Hey, look at this. I was out "working" in the "fields" when I found this materi...I mean...suspiciously-glowing potatoes that looks like a good experimental...I mean, cooking subject...  
  
Sephiroth: Ah, hand it to mother. She's in the kitchen baking gingerbread men.  
  
*Black smoke billows from kitchen as Sephiroth opens kitchen door. Jenhova sits like a giant immobile lump she is beside the oven where Sephiroth has placed her. *  
  
Sephiroth: AAAH!!! MOTHER!! YOU LET MY GINGERBREAD BURN!!  
  
Jenhova: ...  
  
Sephiroth: Argh!! I'll do it myself!!  
  
Rufus: So the wife... I mean, family men sat down after a long hard day to make a gingerbread man.  
  
Sephiroth: That's gingerbread army to you!! I was planning to create an army...  
  
Hojo: ...of clones!  
  
Sephiroth: To destroy the world!!  
  
Hojo: ...But we ran out of funding.  
  
*Both glare at Rufus*  
  
Rufus: Er, right. So, the family men sat down after a long hard day to create a gingerbread clone army.  
  
Sephiroth: Hey?! We ran out of dough! Hojo!!  
  
Hojo: What?  
  
Sephiroth: I specifically told you to get enough flour for a few hundred clones!  
  
Hojo: ...I did.  
  
Sephiroth: *frostily* Well, what is this? *points to a single roughly human- sized dough figure he's shaped out on the tray, no dough left on the table anywhere.*  
  
Hojo: Oh...you mean they're supposed to be that size? I thought gingerbread men were *uses thumb and finger to estimate* that size.  
  
Sephiroth: WHAT?! You think I want an army of tiny jumping dwarves to help me rule the world?!  
  
Hojo: Oh heck, we'll just experiment on this one first. *Can't wait to use this pretty yellow-blue mako I found...*  
  
Sephiroth: *Coldly* fine.  
  
Rufus: So the gingerbread man is  
Baking in the gingerbread pan. *peers down at gingerbread man*  
Raisin...I mean, mako for eyes and a cherry for the...err....wait, where's the nose?  
  
*Sephiroth and Hojo piles gingerbread into oven, sets it for an hour. Have just seated themselves down and started quibbling among each other when oven explodes. Smoke clears. Rufus, Sephiroth, Hojo all peer down into burning oven.*  
  
Rufus: Cute and sexy down to his fingers and toes.  
A gingerbread bishounen in a gingerbread pan!  
  
Sephiroth: It lives!!  
  
Hojo: Success!! *pushes Rufus and Sephiroth away, opens oven.*  
  
Sephiroth: He doesn't look at all like what we moulded.  
  
Rufus: Thank goodness.  
  
Sephiroth: Hey!  
  
Rufus: Now open the oven to see if he's done,  
  
This gingerbread man, he knows how to run.  
  
*Tiny figure of Cloud emerges, glowing mako eyes, stands outside oven looking all confused. *  
  
Rufus: ...Er, okay, what the hell... he DOESN'T know how to run.  
  
Cloud: Wha...? Oh, that's my cue?  
  
Director: Yes.  
  
Cloud: I don't feel like running, I'm tired! Besides, my legs are cramping from being squished in that oven...  
  
Rufus: There's an easy way to remedy that. *releases a cage full of screaming Cloud fangirls.*  
  
Fangirls: Squeeee...!!!!  
  
Cloud: Argh!!! NOOO!!! *runs*  
  
*Cloud runs out of Shinra mansion, fangirls and Sephiroth and Hojo hot on his heels. Jenhova remains in kitchen.*  
  
Rufus: Now chase him, old woman *Jenhova remains immobile*, Chase him old man! (and Hojo and fangirls)  
The gingerbread man is out of the pan!  
  
Sephiroth: You did that on purpose!!  
  
Rufus: I'm paid to. And for a million gil, I'll tell you how to get him back...  
  
Sephiroth: Screw that! I, the great Sephiroth, will get him back myself!! *runs after Cloud*  
  
Rufus: Suits you.  
  
*emerges behind Rufus a few figures* Reno: Hi babes.  
  
Elena: Oooh! What a cute kitchen! I wanna make cookies!  
  
Tseng: Elena, stop acting so weak!  
  
Rude: ...  
  
Rufus: Hey!! Where did you guys come from?  
  
Reno: We're the burnt batch of gingerbread men.  
  
Hojo: *comes running back* I think it's the effect of the mako!! Mwahahaha, now I have my own army! Sephiroth can keep his fleeing ninny gingerbread man!  
  
Rude: Where do you keep the booze?  
  
Reno: Yeah, why the hell are we so sober? Why ain't I made of rum 'n raisin?  
  
Hojo: ...  
  
To be continued...  
  
Okay, I ran out of creativity from this point onwards... I desperately hope no reader is ready to die of boredom now... *glances at room full of readers so bored they're snoring*  
  
Oh well, please read and review! 


	2. Part 2: Who knocked out the Narrator?

The Gingerbread Man: Part 2  
  
Hmmm, so far I thought the fic was lame and the turks a little extra...So I tried to make them play some role! And they took over the story somehow... Enjoy!  
  
*Disclaimer* (Read in Chapter 1)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Rufus: Okay, back to the gingerbread man.  
Run, run as fast as you can!  
Who should he meet but  
  
*Aeris emerges and waves*  
  
Rufus: A little pink pig! Heh heh.  
  
Aeris: Hey!! *beats up Rufus*  
  
Cloud: I'm tired of running! *stops for a breather*  
  
Aeris: Oh, poor Cloud...I mean, gingerbread man!! Come here, take a rest!  
  
Cloud: I'm sorry if you haven't noticed, I'm being chased by a crazy bunch of fangirls...  
  
Fangirls: Squeee!!!  
  
Aeris: *casts Holy on fangirls, who are carried off by the lifestream still squealing*  
  
Cloud: ...whew.  
  
Aeris: Now you're mine... *licks lips sweetly* And you look tasty!  
  
Cloud: EEK!!  
  
Rufus: *back at his desk, in a controlled voice* Run run, gingerbread man!  
Run as fast as you can! *turns around to turks*  
  
Rufus:Will you guys STOP invading my personal mini bar?! *Beer bottle whizzes past camera, Rufus runs off camera in direction of bottle thrown*  
  
Cloud: WHY the hell am I doing all the running here?! I refuse!  
  
Sephiroth: *runs towards Cloud* There you are!! Come back to your creator!!  
  
Cloud: Wha...? Okay, if you're my creator tell me why I was made...  
  
Aeris: To satisfy my appetite. ^_^  
  
Sephiroth: You're to serve a greater purpose. You were made to help me rule the world!!  
  
Cloud: Aaack!! Noooooo!!! I want my mommy!!  
  
Sephiroth: Then...I am your creator, come to mommy!!  
  
Cloud: I wanna die...  
  
Aeris: Then I'll join you in the lifestream!!  
  
*Cloud runs, followed hot on heels by Sephiroth and Aeris*  
  
*Scene switches to narrator Rufus, who is busy wrestling a bottle of booze off Reno*  
  
Rufus: Give...me...back... my...friggin... *Suddenly Reno lets go. Rufus flies off camera, and a crash is heard in that direction*  
  
Reno: *Hic* Hey look, a camera.  
  
Cameraman: Okay wise guy, you knocked out our narrator, now you substitute!  
  
*Reno is thrust a pile of narrator's papers*  
  
Reno: Wha...? *reads* The Gingerbread Man? What kinda wussy story is that?  
  
Rude: Whazzup?  
  
Reno: This is some friggin sissy kiddy story I'm supposed to read...  
  
Elena: Cool!  
  
Tseng: Shut up, Elena. You just give the turks a bad name.  
  
Director: I'll pay, okay?! Start where Rufus left off. The page that's splashed with beer.  
  
Reno: Right. So this gingerbread dude, he's chased by these two maniacs, and he meets up with...  
  
*Cloud turns a corner and slams into Yuffie*  
  
Yuffie: OW! Watch where you're going, you stupid oaf!!  
  
Cloud: ...Sorry.  
  
Reno: ...A hog.  
  
Yuffie: Say, what nice big eyes you have...  
  
Cloud: Eh?  
  
Yuffie: Blue and glowing... *Glow is reflected in her crazed eyes* Materia...Gimmie!  
  
Reno: ...definitely a hog.  
  
Cloud: EEK!! *turns around and slams into Sephiroth, and is thrown onto ground.*  
  
Sephiroth: Unf.  
  
Cloud: *faints*  
  
Aeris: Oh no!! *runs over and gently lifts Cloud's head* Speak to me!!  
  
Cloud: -_-  
  
Cloud: -_o  
  
Cloud: o_o  
  
Yuffie: *waves hand in front of Cloud*  
  
Cloud: o_o  
  
Sephiroth: Damn, he's gone into shock!! My army!! (note: it's not an army, just that sephy's gone a bit bonkers)  
  
Aeris: *sobs* This is all Sephiroth's fault!!  
  
Sephiroth: No, it's the narrator's!!  
  
Reno: But the script doesn't say anything about a cloned gingerbread man falling into shock... Ah what the hell. *Swigs from a beer bottle, which splashes all over script* Oh shit, now it doesn't say anything at all.  
  
Elena: Reno! That's horrid! Now we can't read the story!  
  
Tseng and Rude: Shut up, Elena!  
  
Reno: yeah... defective gingerbread woman.  
  
Elena: You're mean!! *sobs*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Miryuu: *looks lost for words* Cloud: o_o Mir: Okay okay, so it was lousy, don't chew my ass off, please! Thanks for reading! 


	3. Part 3: Traumatized Gingerbread

Hello again, and many thanks to the reviewers! I've tried to make improvements but I still drew massive oopsies and bland lines (since chapter 2).  
  
And many, many, many thanks to Mantichorus, who has been patiently reading and critiquing the story! I really appreciate your comments and advice ^_^ I completely agree with you, all the turks are defective gingerbread men...shows how badly burnt the dough was in the oven :D I guess I find them lovable as defective dudes!  
  
Massive thanks also to Clorith, FF fangirlH, Crowvii and Sephiroth1Ripley8 for your encouragement as well! You guys make my day!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Disclaimer: (Read Chapter 1) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Gingerbread Man Part 3  
  
Author: When we last left off, the gingerbread man had apparently fallen into a state of shock after slamming into Sephiroth...I mean, the old man's very well built brick wall of a chest.  
  
Aeris: We've got to wake him up!  
  
Yuffie: Oh, like that is so not obvious!  
  
Sephiroth: Damn you gingerbread man!! I will not lose you!! *turns to others* Get some smelling salts or something!!  
  
Aeris: right. *goes off camera, returns with a pair of boxers* It's Barret's. Not been washed for years.  
  
(Author's Note: notice how the characters sometimes wear the same thing in the game for days till months on end.)  
  
Sephiroth and Yuffie: eeewww...  
  
Barret: *off-camera* Give that back you fools!!  
  
*Sephiroth waves garment in front of Cloud's nose*  
  
Cloud: _o  
  
Cloud: 0_0  
  
Cloud: x_x  
  
Aeris: Great. We woke him up AND sent him back into a coma.  
  
Yuffie: It's that stinky underwear!! Geddit away!!  
  
*offending garment is thrown offscreen. A dark figure swathed in red emerges grandly, only to receive the underwear head-on straight in the face*  
  
Vincent: ARGH! *whips underwear off face* Now what, you guys are into chemical warfare??  
  
Barret: *Runs in, does his hilarious body shaking with fists in air* That's mine!! Give me back!!  
  
Vincent: Ah, and here's the lethal chemical plant. Honoured. *sweeps a bow, passes garment back to Barret, who snatches it back in a huff. Barret leaves.*  
  
Vincent: *yells* I didn't know you liked pink chocobo underwear!!  
  
Yuffie: Cloud here just got it bad. Any solutions?  
  
Aeris: We're trying to resurrect him! (Note: Cloud is merely unconscious.)  
  
Vincent: That's easy, watch this. *Whips out and unleashes yet another cage full of fangirls out of nowhere*  
  
Fangirls: *collective squeal* CLOUD-SAN!!!  
  
Cloud: *cringes badly, wakes up* OMG! *Ups and runs*  
  
Vincent: See? Nothing to it.  
  
Aeris: *Shades eyes with hand, gazes into horizon* Wow, he's up and perky!  
  
Cloud: *Is far away, running over the hills, train of fangirls following behind*  
  
Yuffie: *Through binoculars* Yeah, but looks like he's gonna asphyxiate.  
  
Sephiroth: Well I'm not gonna let my precious army conk out! *Runs after Cloud*  
  
Aeris: Oh, where did you get all those fangirls Vincent?  
  
Vincent: *shrugs* They come in the thousands. Not too difficult to get them.  
  
Aeris: *looks jealous*  
  
Vincent: You think that's bad? Wait till you see the Cloud fanboys.  
  
Yuffie: *Through binoculars* Cor, Cloud's on the world map already.  
  
Reno: Okay, screw the script. I have my own brains and mouth. *Ahem* So this gingerbread fellow runs towards a town, an' man was he tired cuz he was too stupid to know that he could ride a chocobo there instead.  
  
Cloud: You've gotta be kidding! OOF! *whacks into town in the middle of the world map, which typically appears as a tiny cluster of houses*  
  
Fangirls: squeee!!!  
  
Reno: Alright guys!! I'm confused over this gingerbread dude's role in the story already! Throw me some facts!  
  
Sephiroth: He's...  
  
Aeris: *catches up with Sephiroth* my lover!!  
  
Sephiroth: No, my gingerbread army!!  
  
Aeris: who happens to be my lover!!  
  
Sephiroth: ARMY!!  
  
Aeris: LOVER!!  
  
Sephiroth: Damnit!! Where the hell's Hojo?!  
  
*Hojo is relaxing at Costa De Sol, in swimming trunks, surrounded by girls...his eyebrows twitch at the mention of his name. He shrugs and calls for a fruit punch.*  
  
Reno: Right. So the gingerbread fella's actually a full-strength cloned army created by an old farmer man to rule the world, and is at the same time the lover of a local farm pig, I get that right?  
  
Aeris and Sephiroth: Err...  
  
Reno: Ah what the hell. Rude, take over. I'm getting too sober doing this crap.  
  
Rude: ... *Adjusts tie, puts on dark glasses, stand to attention in front of camera. Minutes tick past*  
  
~20 minutes later~  
  
Reno: *swaggers back * Hey, ain't you narrating or something?  
  
Rude: I am?  
  
Reno: You crap, of course!! Why the hell do you think I left you there?!  
  
Rude: Dude. I thought you meant to stand in your place.  
  
Reno: Gods, you are another defective gingerbread man.  
  
Rude: You knocked out the narrator! You're the defective one!  
  
Rufus: *Clambers back into narrator seat* ALL of you are defects!! There's no sanity in this room!!  
  
Tseng: Haha, President Rufus is defective too.  
  
Elena: Oooh, I wanna play narrator too!  
  
All: Elena!!  
  
And so the story actually goes on without the gentle guidance of the narrator.  
  
Sephiroth: *arrives just in time to see a confused crowd of fangirls* What the hell happened to my gingerbread?!  
  
Aeris: *catches up* Gasp! You guys ate him??  
  
Fangirl: He ducked into the forest. We can't find him. *sobs*  
  
Sepiroth: So?! What are you saps waiting for?! Surround the forest!! Leave him no outlet for escape! *girls comply*  
  
Reno: HAH! Wild gingerbread man on the loose in the jungle! Tactics changes to guerrilla warfare! Damn I'm good! This calls for a celebration. *leaves for minibar.*  
  
Yuffie: Am I late? Did I miss anything?  
  
Vincent: *Looks at ranting and raving Sephiroth and distraught Aeris* I think we just lost our star of the story. Oh dear.  
  
*Suddenly giant buster sword hurtles out of the forest. Everyone ducks, and sword embeds itself into a tree behind them.*  
  
Sephiroth: HAH! He is near! The end is nigh! *runs into forest*  
  
Vincent: I think our friend is starting to turn violent. Hey, look at this. *Retrieves a small note pinioned to tree by sword*  
  
Aeris: I'll bet it says something like, "I am wearied by the shadows of my past, I shall live my life in seclusion..." *sighs dramatically, lost in her fantasies*  
  
Vincent: It says, "Leev mi alon".  
  
All: ...  
  
Yuffie: Err, he isn't very bright, is he?  
  
Rufus: To tell the truth, I think he's actually getting smarter.  
  
Sephiroth: *Emerges* I can't find him!! Right. This calls for a change of plan. I'm going with the narrator (for once). I'm hunting down my renegade army by cunning guerrilla tactics.  
  
Aeris: So am I!  
  
Yuffie: Me too! Sounds like fun!  
  
Vincent: Right. So how are you guys gonna do it?  
  
Aeris: I have no idea! Anyways, do you think we're scaring him?  
  
Vincent: Well, must be desperate to abandon his buster sword... Wait...he never HAD a buster sword with him before, did he?  
  
Everyone: O_O (suddenly the fact dawns upon them.)  
  
We leave the gang to ponder upon this great mystery of the gingerbread man's newfound (and then lost) weapon, and we stop here due to the author's massive writer's block.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mir: Man, I think I better end this soon before it drives me nuts! And I'm falling into depression cuz Cloud hints that he wants to die in Advent Children... NOOO... *sobs* It gets worse from here...  
  
Anyway, thanks again for your attention! 


	4. Part 4: Final Fantasy Tactics?

The Gingerbread Man Part 4: Final Fantasy Tactics?  
  
After a long hiatus, finally finished yet another chapter...maybe I'm too busy, or just bored :P. Enjoy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Reno: You know what? I think we're deviating from the story here...  
  
Rufus: Cuz you damn crap had to go knock me out!  
  
Reno: Ah don't push it boss.  
  
Elena: Push what?  
  
Reno: Nevermind.  
  
Rude: Hey, who's the narrator now?  
  
Elena: Me! Me!  
  
Rufus: Shut up! I'm the narrator!! Everyone shut up!!  
  
All: *shut up*  
  
Rufus: Well, now that things are under control...*Flips thru tattered, beer- drenched sheets, then glares like hell fire at Turks*  
  
Reno: Wot? (AN: see chapter 1)  
  
Back to our missing gingerbread man.  
  
Sephiroth: I'm not teaming up with a bunch of ninny girls.  
  
Aeris: Sephiroth! How could you say that!!  
  
Yuffie: Yeah!!  
  
Vincent: No comment.  
  
Yuffie: *Pokes Vincent*  
  
Vincent: No comment.  
  
Yuffie: *Pokes Vincent*  
  
Vincent: No comment.  
  
Yuffie: YOU SIDE US NOW YOU NO GOOD CHAUVANISTIC PIG N WOMAN-HATER AND BESIDES YOU WEAR YOUR CAPE FUNNY!!!  
  
Vincent: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I AGREE WITH YOU AND STOP MAKING COMMENTS ABOUT MY CAPE!! *Turns to Sephiroth* I AGREE LET THE GIRLS TEAM UP WITH YOU... erp...I mean, let the girls join you, seph?  
  
Sephiroth: They'd slow me down!! Besides, it's MY gingerbread army!!  
  
Aeris: Right, right. Let's split up then. Much faster that way.  
  
Sephiroth: HAH! That's good! I have a plan formulating itself in my head already! Aeris: Perhaps I can charm him back!  
  
Yuffie: Okay let's move out!  
  
*All split up and spring into action *  
  
*Back to the narrator*  
  
Rufus:*sticks head off camera* Reno I'll kill you!!  
  
Reno: Wot?  
  
Cameraman: Make up the friggin story as you go along.  
  
Reno: I need a booze.  
  
Elena: That's not how the story goes.  
  
Rufus: On second thoughts, I just hit upon a brilliant idea... *summons Shinra helicopter, hops on and leaves*  
  
Elena: Hey! where did ya think he went?  
  
*Suddenly TV crackles to life*  
  
Reno: Hey look, it's the boss.  
  
Rufus: Ahem...Here we are reporting live from the site of the Great Gingerbread Hunt, I am your reporter Rufus Shinra.  
  
Rude: Damn that's funky.  
  
Elena: *cries* Oh no!! he's trapped in the TV!! *hugs TV and cries*  
  
Reno: Elena?  
  
Elena: *sniff* What?  
  
Reno: *throws a cookie* Catch.  
  
Elena: OOOH!! *runs off camera*  
  
Rufus: here we have four avid naturalists trying to capture the elusive gingerbread man, a rare specimen found solely here, In the forests of Gongaga. And here we have with us one enthusiastic naturalist who has agreed to be interviewed by me! Hello, Vincent! It is an honour for you to meet me...I mean, an honour for me to meet me... I mean, what are you doing to capture the gingerbread man?  
  
Vincent: I am merely standing by to watch this ridiculous procedure.  
  
Rufus: ...  
  
Vincent: I enjoy watching such...strife...going on. Heh.  
  
Rufus: Sensational. -_-  
  
Vincent: Oh look, there's our Shinra general.  
  
*Sephiroth runs past camera with what looks like a fishing rod*  
  
Rufus; What the HELL is he doing?!  
  
Vincent: You're the reporter. Interview him!  
  
Rufus: *runs after seph* Hey minion! What's up with that stupid gadget?  
  
Sephiroth: Number one, I'M NOT YOUR MINION!! Number two, this is not a stupid device!!  
  
Rufus: Convince us.  
  
Sephiroth: Who's "us"?  
  
Rufus: You're live on Shinra TV.  
  
Sephiroth: THEN LISTEN ALL YOU MINIONS!!! YOU ARE PREPARED TO WITNESS THE MOST DARING PROJECTS OF ALL TIME!! SOON ALL WILL HAIL ME!! THE PLANET, LIFESTREAM, THE PROMISED LAND AND TELETUBBY LAND WILL ALL BELONG TO ME!!!  
  
Rufus; yeah right. Why teletubby land?  
  
Sephiroth: I like bunnies.  
  
Rufus: Oh. Kay. So, what's your plan?  
  
Sephiroth: I plan to bait the elusive army!! See the material hanging on the end?  
  
Rufus: yeah.  
  
Sephiroth: Only a genius and the creator of the gingerbread man can work this out. Cloud is made of materia. And gingerbread. He will crave for materia. He is addicted to it. He will come to it!!  
  
Rufus: Oh...okay.  
  
Sephiroth: He takes the bait, I reel in the line, Presto!! My army is restored and so am I, to my full glory and power!! MWAHAHAHA...  
  
Rufus: Sounds dumb.  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up and go away. *makes casting actions into the forest*  
  
Rufus: Man, this whole bleedin' gingerbread thing is getting on my nerves.  
  
Vincent: Can't you get some other interesting topic for your show?  
  
Rufus: Oh yeah? Like?  
  
Vincent: Well, you could do one like Martha Stewart. For example, decorating your kitchen.  
  
Rufus: I don't own a bleedin' kitchen.  
  
Vincent: It's simple. Here, my latest creation is the inflatable kitchen...Here, you can see the marvelous colour and design...*goes on and on about kitchen tiles and growing spices etc etc*  
  
Sephiroth: AHA! I caught something!! *crashes through the foliage*  
  
Rufus: AHA! We interrupt this insanely boring kitchen designing show with a news-breaking moment!! Sephiroth seems to have caught the elusive gingerbread!!  
  
Sephiroth: What the... YUFFIE?!  
  
Yuffie: mrrrmph...gimmie material... *tangled up in fishing line*  
  
Aeris: Sorry about that.  
  
Tifa: yeah, sorry about that.  
  
*All blink at Tifa*  
  
Sephiroth: Whoa mama.  
  
Aeris: *sweetly* She's Yuffie's idea! What could possibly be more effective, nabbing a gingerbread man with a gingerbread woman! We created her from my white materia, so she's like my clone!  
  
Sephiroth: You...YOU...CREATED a GINGERBREAD WOMAN?!?!  
  
Aeris: Where you use brute force, we will use sweet, tender lurve. ^ ^  
  
Vincent: Tender love? *stares at Tifa's rack* More like lust. O_o  
  
Aeris: That big rack? That's Yuffie's fault!  
  
Tifa: Uh? Werd?  
  
Sephiroth: I should patent these things!!! How dare you copy my plans?? She's even every bit as dumb!!  
  
Aeris: Hey!! Precisely why it's gonna work, okay?? Shoo now, off you go...  
  
Tifa: *Blunders off into forest*  
  
Aeris: See, she's tracking him with the power of attraction!  
  
Tifa: *Blunders back*  
  
Aeris: Hey?! Why're you back? What's that you're holding?  
  
Vincent: It appears to be another note.  
  
Sephiroth: A note? Where from? What's it say?  
  
Aeris: A love note?? *Sighs*  
  
Vincent: Now it says, "I em not hiding in this forust. Go away."  
  
Everyone: _  
  
Aeris: Wait! Tifa, did he pass this to you??  
  
Tifa: Uh...No blonde haired mako blue eyed man passed it to me. He was not with a tall, spiky black-haired man either.  
  
All: O_O  
  
Aeris: She's been manipulated!!  
  
Sephiroth: I'm not surprised.  
  
Vincent: Anyone ever wondered whose that tall black haired guy he's with anyway?  
  
Everyone: errr... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Thanks for reading this crappy fic! Honestly I am running out of steam already :P 


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